rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
