Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
