Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
