some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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