just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
