I hate your face
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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