I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
