My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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