I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
