I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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