he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
