she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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