MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
