I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
