i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
