i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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