I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
