Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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