Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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