it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
