if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
