I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
