Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
