you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
