I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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