your thong is hanging out like whoa
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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