After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
