I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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