i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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