where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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