I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
PANTIES FOUND
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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