May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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