Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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