I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
