is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
