if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
