somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
