sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
