So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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