True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is Oprah even human
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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