This show inspires me to have sex in space
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
