i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
