somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
