...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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