textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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