this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
