Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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