someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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