Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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