dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
