I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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